"Under Pressure"

I guess that's the reason.  I've been having miniature breakdowns recently.  Big shoulder shaking sobbing periods where the only answer is to cry and cry.

They've happened before, although not quite so bad, and I would say that they are "getting worse" and perhaps, more frequent. 

Friday's example is case in point of them building momentum. 

 I am not bad at handling a lot of tasks at once.  I am actually quite good at prioritising.  I can stay polite and happy looking through most things, and I try to make my temper border on the humourous.  But recently I have not seen any escape in sight, or light at the end of the tunnel.

 The Exec's PA has gone sick, and I, as in previous times, have been asked to cover her position.  But this time it just seems to be riddled with pot holes - and it's not making for an easy ride.  The incredible amount of tasks ahead of me is taking its toll on me, and I'm not enjoying the job. 

Normally a bit of stress at work I can handle, but I also have some unpleasant crises at home too, and I don't feel as though I have any means of escape.  Some breathing space would be a dream.

On Friday it just all got a bit too much.  There's that saying "the last straw broke the camel's back".  I'm too aware of my tasks at work, too aware of the things that I am NOT getting done.  Staying an hour late on a Friday the boss popped his head over his monitor and said "We need to work out a way of looking after my inbox, things are building up and I'm forgetting about them"

This is a fine and reasonable sentence, but being as stretched as I was that day, having to deal with two, frankly unruly, members of my admin team (with HR issues and the like) it was just one comment too many.

I made it to the ladies just in time to lock the door to a cubicle and cry. 

I just cried and cried.  I didn't feel as though I would be able to stop. 

When i made it back to the office I finished up my jobs for the day, had a quick chat with the boss, who is god love him, such a guy that he didn't sense that anything was wrong at all, and went to leave.

Passing the girls in the hall one grabbed me to ask if I was okay - yes of course I'm alright.

I pressed the button for the lift to collect me and take me downstairs and out of this place, but I felt another rush and retreated into the ladies.  And I sat and sobbed.  I was in there for a good time, shoulders heaving, puffy eyed and wet cheeked.  I heard people come and go: One guy use the ladies toilets, and one of the secretaries ask the boss if he has seen how upset I was when I left. 

 I sat there for what seemed like ages, crying, wiping away the smears of my makeup.  I got a text from my boyfriend wondering where I was... I would have normally been at his by then.  I considered not going to his.  I considered checking in somewhere instead, anywhere.... I couldn't think straight.  I had to be honest with my boyfriend: I told him that I had got myself into a state and that I'd be there soon. 

I felt awful, tired, drained, livid with myself and everyone.

I did the best that I could do and made myself tidy, and came out of the cubicle, and out into the lift lobby again for round 2.

To my surprise, considering that I had thought he had left, the boss was standing there waiting to catch the lift down too, he looked at me, and we normally have smiles for each other - friendly smiles.  Instead this time our version of smiles included a collection of confused from him and embarassed from me.  I was mortified.  Anyone, anyone but the boss!!

We got in the lift with a few others, who made small talk about either business deals or the weekend, and got out at the Ground Floor.  I made a rush for the exit - I am a super quick speed walker when it comes to getting away from awkward situations.  Unfortunately, my manners got the better of me and I held the door open for everyone, the boss called me back... "I know you're not okay, but is there anything that we can do?"

There really isn't much that you can say to that - there's actually a hundred things I probably could have said, but in truth I think people say things like that out of care and a feeling of moral obligation, and the truth is, if you can't handle your emotions and your daily shit, that's too bad, we'll find someone else who can.

 I'm not going to be the one seen to be dragging the ship down.

I was smiles today - I had a good weekend, my boyfriend is fabulous at doing what is best for me, he is the greatest.  I love him so much. 

Weekends are there to renew your hope - I'm sure of it.

And I'm sure that a few more days of working overtime will make the murky waters a bit cleaner sailing throughout.... let's hope.

On a diet front, I'm not sure how I've done this week, I have been reaching for the biscuits quite a bit and we'll know tomorrow I guess.

6.10.08 22:22, comment

My 72-hour bed-bound bender

The way that I feel about being ill is the same way a child with no imagination feels about a book without pictures.  I feel totally trapped and frustrated.

I've been in the house since friday night and going stir crazy with it.  I  can't stand being between the same few walls all day everyday.  My mum and dad swanned off to Whitsable to enjoy fishies and wines and all these delicacies whilst I stayed at home and ate.

I ate a shocking amount of food, actually.... enough to make my dad raise his eyebrows, and he's NEVER surprised at how much I can put away.  In my own defence, the food I was eating was slimming world's "Free" Vegetable chilli... it was really nice, but I made a family size portion and then ate the lot out of sheer boredom whilst catching up on 3 weeks of Hollyoaks (that's what Sky+ is good for).

 And the thing is, I think I would have been fine if I could have kept my hands off those biscuits, but oh no, not our girl here.

So even though I can't keep my paws off the food I still can't come to terms with the idea that I'm going to put on weight.  The infuriating thing is that I was doing just so well over the week, i had been so good.... SAINTLY.

As a last ditch "hope" to lose some weight tomorrow I just went for a very fast walk.... about a third of the way through, as the hill begins I had a small thought that reverbrated through my head.... "I wish I didn't have to do this"

And I DO have to do this.  It drives me insane, if I wasn't so hyped up about my weight I wouldn't be going for a run at 10 at night, I'd leave it until the next day. 

i get weighed tomorrow and i'm terriified of being told I've put on weight.... i don't want to listen to it.... I am so scared :-(

22.9.08 22:21, comment

progress

I take to things slowly.  I always have. 

 In the first week of my SW diet I lost only 1 lbs... this, I think was because my efforts were cut short b/c I moved groups to one which takes place 2 days earlier than the original group.  Anyway, 1lb it is.

 I went on holiday for two weeks, and it was three sheets to the wind as far as I was concerned, I ate and drank what and as much as I wanted thank you very much, coming back to stand on the scales I was just as blase about it as I knew I had made no effort, so expecting to be lighter seemed a little foolish.

My fears were confirmed but it was not a worst case scenario as I didn't actually gain any weight.

All of last week I struggled to make sense or care about food optimising, instead opting for yummy stuff like ice cream and wine and chicken caesar salads (of which I had 2!).  But I also went to the gym and pounded the tread mill and that really paid off because when I stepped on the scales this afternoon I had lost 2lbs. 

It's a small improvement but the direction is the right one and I'm excited at the prospect of fitting back into my lovely slimmer clothes.  I have a pair of grey warehouse trousers that I am eager to fit into and I am wagering that a loss of 5 more pounds will see me getting into them. 

I also bought a lovely pair of trousers from H&M on Saturday - it was my boyfriend's idea.  I came out of the dressing room and admitted to him that they didn't fit, but I liked them and that I would probably put them back and then maybe get them on payday.

"Just get them" he said, well I did and I think he's encouraging me in the right way because they are in my room sitting on my bed spurring me on and making me want to lose weight and shape up each time I look at them.

I told my mum tonight about the two pairs of trousers - I think maybe 5lbs for the grey pair and 10lbs for the check pair.... it's a really big ask but hopefully I will do it and in the not too distant future.  I can't wait to do those check trousers up!!!

 My sister has lost half a stone already, I am really proud of her, I can't wait until we are level pegging and who knows - maybe swapping skinny clothes soon too!!

I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow, my legs really hurt from Monday's session but I'm going to give it my best shot anyway - what have a got to lose (apart from about 2 stone!!)

16.9.08 21:56, comment